


Closer

by LittleSixx



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Episode Fix-it, F/M, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, POV Male Character, POV Third Person, The Author Regrets Everything, Underage Kissing, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 08:25:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10715793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSixx/pseuds/LittleSixx
Summary: When Clay and Hannah are in Jessica's room, there is so much he doesn't say. This is an alternate reality in which Clay tells Hannah how he feels, says all the things he wants to tell her.Essentially a re-write of part of Tape 6 Side A.





	Closer

“She has a rock collection from when she was little.”

Clay focused on the rocks. Hannah led him into Jessica’s bedroom and Clay was sure she didn’t only want to talk about rocks, but anything and everything about Hannah was ripe for misunderstanding.

“She used to water them and treat them as pets.”

Hannah didn’t look particularly different that night. Her hair was short, but she looked the same, really. Clay had seen her wear that dress before, and that jean jacket was her favourite no matter how many times she claimed otherwise. But that was Hannah. She never really wanted to let people in, for fear they’d turn on her. Like Jessica did at one point, but Hannah still saw good in Jessica. How?

“How do you know?”

“We were friends at the beginning of last year. It was fun while it lasted.”

Clay knew that they were friends. He was quiet, sure, but not unobservant. What he meant was, “How do you know Jessica still has her rock collection?” But everything he said around Hannah always came out just on the wrong side of right. He distracted himself by closing the bedroom door.

“I didn’t know you guys were friends,” he lied. Clay didn’t know why he lied, except to avoid giving off some weird stalker vibe. “She’s so … popular?” Clay continued. He shoved his hands in his pockets just as he realized he’d done the same to his foot and mouth. He cursed himself internally. _That was bad._

“Yes, thank you, Clay,” Hannah said, playing with the rocks and avoiding his gaze.

“Well, no, I mean—“

“No, it’s—“

There they were again. Talking over each other so neither one really knew what the other one wanted to say.

“I know what you mean,” Hannah finally said. Clay sighed and let out an exasperated laugh. He wasn’t sure how he wanted this moment to go, but that wasn’t it.

Hannah seemed to get lost for a moment, forgetting she was with Clay at all. Her voice got kind of quiet and she began talking about Jessica like she would have a year earlier. Lost in her memories, Hannah began, “Yeah, but she can actually be pretty cool and funny. I mean, she still has her rocks.” She held one up for Clay to see as she broke out of her reverie.

“Yes,” Clay said as he bent closer to look at the rock collection. “I guess the advantage of having a pet rock is they don’t die.”

Could he possibly make this more awkward? If Jeff could see him, he’d be in the corner laughing slightly and shaking his head. Clay was certainly heading for a strikeout. On some objective, macro level it was very funny.

“Mmm. Yeah,” Hannah said, clearly disinterested in the rock collection. “They don’t eat too much and they don’t crap on the floor.”

Clay laughed and spared a glance over at Hannah. She was looking down at the rocks but her mind was elsewhere. She fiddled with a rock like the ones Clay remembered from his preschool playground, tossing it lightly between her hands. Clay’s hand fumbled and he dropped one rock onto another.

“Oh, I’m killing her pets.”

That seemed to snap Hannah out of whatever melancholy world she’d gone off to. She laughed a real laugh that time and Clay decided to keep it going.

“What’s that one’s name?”

“I think we should name him Stone.”

“Is that his first name or his last name?”

“Both.”

“His name is Stone Stone.”

They shared a laugh before Hannah realized, “Oh my God. Your name is Clay.”

And then they’re off. They banter about his name, exchange jokes at his expense, and hadn’t they been here too many times before?

“I like the name ‘Clay,’” Hannah said.

Whether they were next to each other at a pep rally or out back of the movie theatre, there were too many times Clay had gotten lost in being Hannah’s friend. Too many almosts and he didn’t want to be back there again; he didn’t want to face Jeff and admit he was too scared to tell Hannah just how much he cared about her.

“I like the name ‘Hannah,’” slipped out of Clay’s mouth before he could stop it. And before he could stop himself, he leaned forward and kissed her.

He never imagined kissing Hannah on someone else’s bed. The whole night was off and Hannah felt it too, Clay could tell. But their first kiss was good. It was like they were silently asking each other three questions:

“Is this okay?”

“Is this good?”

“Can we go further?”

When they broke apart after a few seconds, the answers were yes, yes, and yes. Clay kissed Hannah again and it was much less tentative. Hannah’s hand found Clay’s neck and lightly rested there until Clay shifted to sit on the bed next to her. Hannah’s jacket came off and Clay had to feel it because his eyes were closed and he was very focused on the kissing. _This is actually happening and it’s amazing._ The first three buttons of Clay’s shirt were undone and when did that happen?

“This okay?” Clay asked.

_Please say yes, please say yes._

“Yeah. More than okay,” Hannah responded with a slight smile. Clay pulled his arms out of the sleeves of his button-down and it ended up somewhere on the floor. He couldn’t be bothered to care.

Hannah scooted to the back of the bed and Clay followed her lead, trailing her all the way with kisses. He could kiss Hannah for hours, and he wanted to kiss her for a long time, but his brain had turned off and his nether region overrode every thought that wasn’t about Hannah’s body underneath him.

There was a moment when he paused to take in what he felt. There were Hannah’s lips, of course, moving in time with his. They were round and puffy and perfect. He slid one sleeve of her dress down, exposing her bra strap and, oh—what’s that? Hannah placed her hand on his back, urging him to move along. Hannah’s boots were still on, but Clay liked those boots so he decided they could stay.

Clay started kissing the crook of her neck and he felt her tense up. He didn’t think anything of it. Clay wrapped his hand around her backside to bring her closer, because that’s what he needed. Closer. He brought his hand up to her chest and God, she felt good. They had always kept each other at arm’s length and finally, finally he could kiss Hannah and it felt amazing. He wanted more, and he wanted her closer.

And then she pushed him away.

“Stop it!”

“Sorry! I’m sorry!” Clay said as he lifted his hands away.

Hannah covered her face and repeated, “Just stop, okay?”

Clay was confused. He had stopped, he apologized. What—what was wrong?

“Did I hurt you?”

“No! Just stop!” Hannah said, pushing Clay off and swinging her legs over the side of the bed. She touched her face and stood up.

“What happened?” Clay asked. He was confused and concerned. When had he gone wrong? “I thought it was okay,” he apologized. “Hannah, I am so sorry.”

“Just leave me alone,” Hannah demanded. Something in her eyes was off. She’d never looked at him that way before. “Okay? Just leave me alone, Clay.” She was exasperated, her breathing was heavy, and it came in short bursts. “You should just go.”

Clay looked at the floor, confused. He found his shirt somewhere on the other side of the bed. It was wrong, it all felt so wrong. What had he done?

“You all right?” he asked.

“I don’t want you here, Clay. Get out.”

“Hannah, you don’t mean that.” Clay didn’t know where that came from, but it slipped out. It was true. She didn’t mean it. Hannah trusted him and she wanted this. She would have told him otherwise, but what changed?

“Get the fuck out!” she shouted.

Clay took a step back, stunned.

“No,” Clay said. “No.” Hannah wouldn’t turn to look at him, but he continued. “I will leave, I will leave you alone if that’s what you want, but I don’t think it is. I will leave as soon as you tell me what’s wrong. Just now, what went wrong? Was it me? Tell me what I did and what I can do to make it better for you.”

Hannah shook her head and said, “You don’t want to be with me.”

“I do!” Clay said. “But I do. How could you think otherwise?”

Hannah turned to face him and said, “You know what people will say!”

“No, I don’t, and I don’t care.”

“Because it’s easy for you, right? You’re not the class slut. You’re not the one with the good ass and you’re not the one who’s more of an inconvenience than a friend.”

Clay shook his head and insisted, “Don’t say that.”

“Everybody says it!”

“I don’t say it!”

“Yes, you did!” Hannah spat back. “When you saw that picture.”

“I didn’t believe it,” Clay admitted. “I was angry for a minute,” he paused. “I was jealous of Justin and angry because it meant you didn’t want me. I was mad at you, Hannah. I was an asshole and I am sorry, and I can’t right that wrong because it made you feel like shit for too long. I get that now, and I am sorry.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry!” Hannah said. “I want you to want me, and I want for me not to be afraid of you. I don’t want to feel you on top of me and think about every other guy who’s grabbed my ass or thought he had some claim over me because he was nice to me.”

There were several things Clay wanted to say in reply. _I am not those guys. I do want you, I want you so badly. I don’t have any claim over you, except what you give me. How could you be afraid of me? Don’t you know the only thing I want right now is for you to be happy? And for you to feel safe?_ But what came out was all of that wrapped into one little sentence.

“Hannah, I love you.”

_Oh my God._

“Oh my God,” Hannah’s mouth fell open. Clay definitely wasn’t thinking about kissing her perfect lips again. (He was.) “You did not just say that to me.”

“I did,” Clay said, unaware of where he found this sudden burst of confidence. “I did, because I love you and I promise I will never hurt you.”

“How can you make that promise?” Hannah asked. “How can you know? After every time I let myself connect with someone only to have it thrown back in my face, how can I believe you won’t be just like every single one of them?”

“I don’t know, not really. But I promise to never want to hurt you. There’s no one I’ve ever met who is more fun, and more understanding of me than you. You’re filled with drama, Hannah, you are, but it doesn’t even matter to me. If I hurt you, I want—fuck that, I need to know so that I can fix it. Because the only thing worse than me hurting you, is you not telling me how.

“I don’t fucking care what people at school will say. They don’t talk about me much; I’m not that interesting. Which is why I can’t understand what the hell you see in me, but I’m not gonna ask too many questions about that because I really, really want you to like me as much as I love you. Right now.

“We don’t need to have sex, we don’t need to do this or anything. I just … I thought it’s what you wanted and I want to give it to you. That’s all. But if you want me to leave, I’ll leave. But don’t ask me to leave because you think I care what any of the fucking assholes downstairs would say about me dating you. That’s fucking ridiculous, Hannah. I am in love with you, and no one’s going to take that away.

“Now, what do you want me to do?”

Clay sat on the edge of the bed and Hannah had stood at some point to face him. She wrapped her arms around herself, one sleeve of her dress still hanging low where he’d pulled it down earlier. Tears steadily rolled down her cheeks, and Clay wanted to do something. He didn’t know what to do, but he wanted to do something. Instead, he just stood there until someone barreled through the door.

Justin and Jessica laughed and made their way toward the bed. Clay stood up and pushed them back out into the hallway.

“What the hell, man?” Justin shouted back as Jessica blew him a raspberry.

“Issh okay, Jushtin!” Jessica whisper-shouted. “Clay’s no fun anyway, lesh go back to the couch!”

Clay cut off the rest of the conversation by slamming the door and locking it.

“I don’t know, Clay,” Hannah finally said. She shook her head and repeated, “I don’t know.”

Clay walked toward Hannah and tentatively wrapped his arms around her. He felt the tension leave her body. He hadn’t bothered to button his shirt up, so when Hannah turned she pressed her forehead onto his bare chest. Clay felt her tears track down to his stomach, but he didn’t push her to say anything. Instead he brought her closer, wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pressed a kiss to the top of her head.

“It’s like,” Hannah began between stuttered breaths. “if you hear a song that makes you cry and you don’t want to cry anymore, you can just avoid the song. But I can’t get away from my life like that. I can’t decide not to be myself anymore. I can’t turn off the noise in my head and I don’t want to drag you down with me, Clay.”

“Hey, hey, you wouldn’t drag me down, okay? Now, more than ever, I just want to let you know that I love you before I lose that chance. Someone else is gonna come and see how amazing you are and tell you how much they love the way you look at them. I’m not going to let them be the first one to do it. Because I do love the way you look at me, and I love that you like that I’m a nerd. Because I am a nerd.”

Hannah laughed and wiped away some snot with her hand.

“You really are a nerd.”

“Yes,” Clay was relieved. “Yes, I am. And I would really like you to be my non-nerdy girlfriend. And if you don’t want that, then at least be my friend. I’m not going to leave, Hannah. I don’t know how to prove that to you except to say that I love you and I’m fucking terrified that will scare you away. I love you too much and leaving you would be like losing, I don’t know, I don’t fucking know, it’s like riding my bike without my helmet. There are times when the helmet fucking sucks, but if I’m going to crash I sure as hell want to be wearing my helmet. When life is shitty I want you there by my side, you know? And I want to be that for you. I, uh, well, I want to be your helmet?”

That last bit ended up as a question because halfway through he realized how lame that extended metaphor had gotten. But then Hannah smiled into his chest.

“Yeah, Helmet. I know.”

And then Clay knew he had her back. He wrapped both arms around her then and let her cry until she was ready to stand on her own. When she finally pushed him away, Hannah wiped away her tears with the heels of her hands. Clay quickly buttoned his shirt.

“I don’t know what to do now,” Hannah admitted.

“I do,” Clay replied. “I’m going to call my mom and we’re going to go home. You to yours and me to mine, I mean.” He felt himself blushing. “And I’ll introduce you to my mom and you can introduce me to your parents and we’ll just … We’ll be friends, Hannah. And I'll be your boyfriend. I want to be in that part of your life too, if you’ll let me. Then you’ll see I’m not like those asshole guys at school who’ll do whatever it is they’ve done to you. If it takes time for you to not be afraid, then take that time. I’m not gonna hurt you, and I want you to know that and I want everyone else to see just how crazy in love with you I am. I want your parents to see it.

“And then, once you’re ready to take our relationship to the next level …”

Hannah tilted her head and narrowed her eyes before Clay finished.

“… Together, we can adopt a pet rock.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and criticism are always appreciated!! I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it and imagining the possibilities of happier times for so many characters.


End file.
